Ok, it's a birthday or anniversary coming up, and you want to get her something nice. You've decided that you would love to see her in something sexy, slinky, or see through.
She's lost weight and you want to let her know you've noticed, or maybe (more likely) you're just out of ideas and you have followed the siren's call, that has lured men to their doom for generations and decided to buy her lingerie.
This is where the female readers of this article, clap their hand to their brow, shake their heads in disbelief and yell 'don't do it' at the screen.
Well, Ladies, settle back, breathe easy and panic no more, because I'm about to give the guys a little advice on the do's (and more importantly) don'ts, of lingerie purchasing.
Firstly, get some idea of what you want. In the old days, men had to sneak furtive glances at the women's section in the Freeman's catalogue, or head for the ads near the back of the Sunday papers to get an inkling of what was available.
The Internet has changed all that, and firing up Google, could have you waist deep in knickers within 5 seconds.
Secondly, and this is a biggie. Have a sneaky peek in her knickers drawer. Peer into the depths of her wardrobe. Delve into the places where men never go and have a look at what she likes. More importantly, look at the label and log whatever information you discover, deep into your memory banks. Or better still take a notepad with you on your clandestine mission, and write it down.
On arriving in the sacred halls of femininity, or as it's better known in female circles, the lingerie department. Do not sneak around the place like a furtive sex pest.
No matter how hard your heart is pumping. No matter how much you know you're going to turn into a gibbering idiot the moment the beautiful assistant turns her long lashed eyes towards you, try to keep calm. Step boldly between the racks of basques and corsets. Look around confidently as if you had lingerie for breakfast every day.
Touch the odd chemise, as if to test the quality of the garment. Pick up a suspender belt, examine the label and elasticity (please don't aim it at the fat woman by the door and twang it, like you were firing the catapult you had when you were 10)
Don't hang around the knickers aisle too long. It doesn't feel right in there and you might end up looking like a pervert if you dally.
Three or four minutes of browsing should be enough to convince everyone that you are an experienced ' lingerist'. Any longer and too much interest shown in the French knickers section, might convince everyone that you are a cross dresser.
Bide your time and amble up to the assistant when she's free. Don't stand nervously behind her as she's helping a customer, you'll only make her jump out of her skin when you cough to get her attention. You don't want to get on her bad side this early in the encounter.
Never, hold up a cupped hand (or worse two) and say, 'about this big' when she asks you what size you require. She's seen it a million times and it will only convince her that you are either an imbecile, or worse still, a man out on his own in a lingerie store for the first time.
Don't expect sympathy. She's heard all the sob stories before. She's been told a million times how you are stuck for ideas for your partner's birthday and lingerie was the last resort.
Instead, exude confidence. Tell her you'd like a 36dd bra and knickers set. Ask about the quality of the silk baby doll. Don't giggle as you say the word 'knickers' either, or she'll be off dealing with the transvestite further up the counter before you can say g string. At least he knows what he wants.
Get gift wrapping. Yes I know it's extortionate, but think about it. Do you want her to be excited when presented with the gift?
If it's professionally wrapped, she will take her time opening it. She'll take care with the bow and ease the wrapping open. The anticipation will rise, believe me. You could put a dead rat in a shoe box and as long as it was wrapped nicely, you'll get 5 points just for making the effort.
Conversely, give her something resembling the paper the chips came wrapped in and it wouldn't matter if it had an exact copy of Princess Di's wedding ring inside. You will only get a cold stare and no chance of seeing her tonight in the sexy red basque you just bought. You're more likely to get the cold shoulder and the flannelette nightie her evil granny gave her as a wedding gift.
Once the purchases are paid for, wrapped and deposited in a carrier that proudly boasts 'I GET MINE AT KNICKERS R US' Ignore the florescent pink and purple lettering and ask calmly if they have a plain bag you could hide it in. Explain that you would hate your partner to guess what you've bought her when you get home.
Don't mention the cat calls and whistles you know you'll get, if you get on the tram carrying the damn thing.
Consider the best time for your foray into the world of women. You don't want to get home when she's around. If you're caught sneaking in the back door like a burglar with a swag bag, you'll be suspected of more than just taking the afternoon off without permission.
Plan the mission with military precision. Leave nothing to chance. Ideally, pick a time when she's at the hairdresser, or better still, visiting her mother. She'll be gone for hours and you'll have plenty of time to unwind and sip a nerve settling beer or three.
You can kick off your shoes and relax, safe in the knowledge that she is safely ensconced in her mother's kitchen, listening for the millionth time about why she still believes your wife picked the wrong guy and how that nice Teddy Mathews would have made a far better choice. He didn't fart at the dinner table the first time you bought him home. Did he?
Hide the stash in your sports bag, the place you keep your jock strap and cricket box. It's as safe as houses.
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